Saturday, December 18, 2010

If Holiday Stories Were Rewritten for Modern Times

Lately as I’ve been watching the standard holiday stories, I can’t help but imagine how they would be rewritten for these modern times. What follows are the fruits of my brain:

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
When local school teacher Jessica sees an oddly dressed young man hanging around the playground, attempting to give out free toys, she quickly calls the police to report a suspected child molester/kidnapper. Kris Kringle plea bargains to attend six weeks of sexual predator rehab instead of serving jail time. Meanwhile, a legal battle develops when the local wingnut city council outlaws toys.

A Year Without a Santa Claus
Elves Jingle and Jangle soon regret their visit to South Town, USA, when they are taken into custody on suspicion of being illegal immigrants(or possibly terrorits), cruelty to animals, and the corruption of minors. Local news claims global warming is false after South Town is hit by the biggest snow storm of the century. A silver alert is issued in South Town as an elderly man, who suffers from Alzheimer’s and claims to be Santa Claus, goes missing from a local nursing home. He is reunited with his family just in time for the holidays.

A Christmas Carol
Scrooge is a highly esteemed billionaire who isn’t afraid to say that he supports “decreasing the surplus population.” Scrooge partners with the Marley brothers to mount a $500 million campaign to fight the war on Christmas. Yet, regrettably, Scrooge must terminate 1,000 employees due to declining profits.

One such employee is Bob Cratchit. This holiday seasoning, Bob and his family come to terms with an impending foreclosure on their home, as well as the untimely loss of their disabled son (due in part because of not being able to afford health insurance and/or denied coverage). Cratchit attempts to renegotiate his salary and benefits to retain his position. Scrooge denies him, stating that unemployment benefits should be sufficient, as well as any savings Cratchit put away for such hard times. After the encounter, Scrooge immediately calls various lobbyists and politicians to express his disapproval of unemployment extensions, and his full support of tax cuts for the top 2% wage earners.

The story closes with the Cratchit family finding comfort and solace at church, and being thankful of Scrooge for fighting to keep the Christ in Christmas, and donating a life-size nativity scene that is displayed on the lawn of city hall.

It’s a Wonderful Life
A lifelong citizen of Pottersville, George Bailey commits suicide on Christmas Eve when he learns that his family-owned business is about to fold. Efforts to save George’s business by the community had been denied, with many people believing that George didn’t deserve a “bailout” and “should have known better” and he “should have been more responsible.”

Meanwhile, the wealthy Mr. Potter (for whom the town is named), receives a free, life-saving operation for his chronic heart condition (he was a top ranking politician for three decades). Unfortunately, the operation comes too late and Mr. Potter dies. The community is deeply saddened by the loss of such a great citizen and quickly raise money to build a memorial in his honor.

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